Updated: Sep 18
"Believe what you see, not what you hear."
In Russia there’s an unspoken rule: don't say the words ‘bomb’ or ‘soviet’ even when you’re on a call, because your phone will blast into tiny pieces. Don’t bother smiling at anyone there, being Russian, they are physically incapable of smiling, let alone laughing.
However when you see any old ‘babushkas’ wobbling down the street with sticks, do remember to strike a ‘Soviet Salute’, after all, they’ve probably seen and been through the wars and cruel system of the country. It’s hard to forget the freezing temperatures of the place, carry a thick furry coat and wear several layers, after all, it’s hard to stay warm in negative seventy degrees. However, contrary to how you’re dressed you’ll see Russians swimming in the frozen ponds and rivers; the beautiful, gold-digging ladies wearing the shortest skirts and looking as fabulous as ever. Of course, you couldn't do all that, after all, you aren’t Russian and the Russians aren’t like normal humans.
Talking about the Russians, it’s hard to ignore their tough attitude and scarily huge build, they keep bears for pets! However, as much as we notice how scary they are, it’s hard to ignore their smartness too. Of course, by smart, I’m referring to all the hackers they’ve produced! They hacked into America's government database!
They have groups of dangerous men around the city though, they are known as the mafia, and we try to stay away from them most of the time.
Try not to comment on Putin, they say the KGB is everywhere, you never know when you’ll go missing. I heard Alexei, a Ukrainian, was poisoned in a whole other country!
Except that the country does have its means of entertainment. Vodka is served as water and the luxurious buildings provide great views.
We try not to talk about some of the historic places like the Kremlin, Gum, and Saint Basil’s Cathedral. It’s better to focus on Stalin, Lenin, and Putin.
Of course, the beautiful historic buildings which strangely blend in with the modern buildings are also something that should be touched upon before moving on to state how racist and rude the locals are to foreigners.
To make it interesting you could say that someone held a gun to your head and stole your money while a big man in a black limo watched while smoking a cigar. You wouldn’t have to worry about getting caught for lying, I know of a country that is eager to hear and believe such news. However, except for the buildings, the country surprisingly has more to it. They have furry ‘ushanka’ hats and adorably crafted ‘matryoshka’ dolls, a large collection of amber jewelry, and a beautiful old street dedicated to just selling these items called ‘Arbat Street'. The seven sisters and the firecrackers that are burst every Friday and Saturday as if a reward to the Moscovites. Please visit all these beautiful places, just don't talk about them.
After all, we wouldn’t want the Westerners even to hear of all this, this is all fake anyways.
Russia is a cold land of corruption and big and scary and deep-voiced people who keep bears as pets. This is the only true and acceptable story of Russia, at least in the West. So please act like it.